LIFE AS A HENDERSON: Christian and my mama!

Hello! I think it's been three days since my last post. I can't post on here everyday, but I will try to when I can. :) I was wanting to post a couple of videos I took of Christian the night before, but this computer has issues lol. I need to upload the videos on the desktop, but it's occupied most of the time on the weekends so I will wait until tomorrow to do that. I only got to get on the laptop for like ten minutes yesterday lol. Most of the time I just use my Ipod touch to access the Internet, and it would be extremely difficult to post from it since it's out of date. Anyway, I just plugged in the laptop to post something on here, but I didn't really know what to post about since I really had no pictures from today or from the weekend. But my mom has been on my mind a lot this weekend so I decided to post about her! :)

My mama would have LOVED Christian!!! She absolutely loved all babies, but of course loved her babies more! :) I so, so, so wish she could see Christian. I have a feeling she can see him from Heaven, I just believe she can see us. But of course I would love for her to be here to see him in person! I knew one day I would have children, and that I would be upset she isn't here to see them. But until having Christian I really didn't know how strongly that feeling was going to be. I don't get upset hardly anymore, but there is just a strong ache deep down inside. I don't think it will ever go away unless something happened to my brain and I couldn't remember anymore. To know Christian will never personally know her, tears my heart into two pieces. I will always tell him about her so he can know how wonderful she was and how she would love him. It just hurts to know he can never know her like I did. That hurts more than anything! I miss her so much for myself, but now it hurts more for Christian than for me. If that makes any sense...

I just know for sure, without a doubt, my mama would have fallen in love with Christian. I know she would be here whenever she could to spend time with him, her little grandson. She would spoil him, love him, be all the things a grandma would be. Although I know she wouldn't be called grandma. She always like Mimi since her name is Miriam. And I know Christian would have loved her, too. Everyone loved my mama, it was just impossible not to. :)

I know she can never be here again until I see her in Heaven one day, but sometimes the hurt is too great and all I can do is to just wish she was here. It's hard to explain, but sometimes I try to will her here. I know you probably think I'm weird now, but it's hard to explain. I guess it's just like trying so hard to make it all a bad dream, that nothing happened and everything is fine. Like she never died, but that can never be again. And I know that and accept that. Just sometimes, it hurts really, really bad and nothing can help that. I just hope I can convey to Christian how wonderful she was and that he will love her, too!

Well, Christian is getting fussy now. He is sitting beside me on the couch and I keep handing him things to play with, but he is running out of patience now so I need to feed him. I just wanted to post something really quick while I had a few minutes! I hope all of you are doing great and I will see ya in the next post. :)

Paige

My Mama (Miriam) pregnant with me